You’ve done your best, now it’s time to let your senior go

By Joan H. Bress, LICSW, CEP

Those of you who loyally follow my writing know that my focus is always on helping students maneuver their way through the college application maze without falling victim to the insanity that leads to unnecessary anxiety, poor choices or less-than-welcome outcomes.

The key player in the college application process is always the student, very much a child, yet on the cusp of independence. As parents, we tell this child that he must ask permission to spend the night at a friend’s house, yet expect that he will know how to invest an extraordinary amount of money and four years of his existence in the pursuit of an education that may shape the rest of his life. Teachers and parents understand that young people feel burdened by this responsibility. They help, support and encourage the young person as she struggles to make decisions about her education and her life. What people underestimate is the effect this process has on the people who love that child the most: Mom and Dad.

When their children are young, parents pride themselves on being able to calm their child’s fears with a reassuring hug and some soothing words. They guide their children through the appropriate milestones: kindergarten, summer camp, first date, and the stress and joy of getting their driver’s license. No milestone, however, is more wrenching — or final — for both the child and the parent than college admission. Even 17 years of being a good parent does not adequately prepare mothers and fathers to deal with the emotions that flare in the family as their child prepares to leave the nest for college.

Young people, of course, do nothing to help their parents through this difficult time. They become moody, they worry, they withdraw, they work too hard or not enough, they forget the meaning of the word “deadline,” they refuse to make decisions or they make decisions that make no sense to anyone other than another 17-year-old. In short, they act like teenagers. When parents try to bring order to the chaos created by their college-bound offspring, they are accused of being controlling. Is it any wonder that many parents approach the end of their child’s high school years with dread?

The college application process that today’s young people experience is more complex than the process their parents remember from their own lives. The U.S. currently has the largest cohort of high school graduates — and the greatest percentage of high school graduates attending college — of any time in our history. Colleges have launched marketing campaigns that rival the most successful corporate conglomerates, and have begun to recruit among populations, both domestic and international, that were previously untapped. Despite this influx of students, the number of seats in college classrooms has not increased.

Scarcity breeds desire. My favorite restaurant has always been the one where I could not get a reservation. With newspaper headlines heralding single-digit acceptance rates at our most selective colleges, it is not surprising that people draw the conclusion that any college worth attending is beyond the reach of all but the most outstanding applicants. The conundrum is that the rules by which any particular college, regardless of its level of selectivity, defines “outstanding applicant” or even “acceptable applicant” are not clear to students and their families. Students who have gotten A’s in all the AP courses that fit into their schedule, achieved stellar SAT scores, and served as editor-in-chief of the school newspaper have not earned the privilege of applying to college without anxiety and dread.

Nor have Mom and Dad. Parents understand that helping their child move on to college is one of the last and greatest teaching opportunities they will share with their son or daughter while the latter still lives at home. They need to think about what they want their child to learn from this experience and how they want to facilitate the learning. Both parents and child need to know that they have responsibilities in the process and they need to set boundaries and checkpoints so that tasks are accomplished in a timely manner. It is natural for parents who have been closely and successfully involved in their child’s schoolwork and activities to want to continue to assist them as they maneuver the complex application process. And in a variety of ways even students who resist their parents’ attempts to help want and need some input from them. High school students who already feel burdened by homework and activities often have difficulty managing the tasks that accompany college applications. Parents, seeing their child’s distress, are eager to help. The problem is one of balance.

In our upwardly mobile, achievement-oriented society the college admission process has morphed into the final exam of parenthood. If a child does well by whatever standards parents and their friends define that term, the parents have aced the test. If the child does not achieve his or the family’s goals, parents question their role in the process. Should they have done more? Helped the child more? Learned more about the process? Called in favors from friends? In their eagerness to give their child the best possible advantages in the admission process, some parents create situations that are not helpful to themselves or their child.

In recent years, colleges have branded overly-helpful adults as “helicopter parents.” Seen as “hovering” over their child’s lives, these parents are accused of managing situations that college students should be able to handle themselves. Admissions officers look for the imprint of the helicopter parent in the application process also, as they suspect that some parents have taken on too many of the application tasks that should be carried out by the applicant. The line between the appropriately helpful parent and the parent whose help deprives their child of the learning opportunities of the process is slim. Once crossed, both the child and the parent suffer.

I’ve never like the term “helicopter parent.” I think it diminishes parents’ concern for their child’s well-being and undermines the high cost that hovering parents pay to ensure their child’s success. In air-travel terms I prefer airplanes to helicopters. Think of the flight attendant who instructs adults to put on their own oxygen mask before assisting the child sitting next to them. Parents need to take care of themselves before they can help their child transition from high school life with mom and dad to the independence and freedom of college life.

I encourage parents to avoid running the show. Set limits, define realistic expectations, negotiate responsibilities, and make sure that everyone knows how to keep others apprised of progress. Then back off and observe. Facilitate, but don’t direct. Convey the message, “We love you and are proud of you. We will love you and will continue to be proud of you no matter where you go to college.” Don’t expect that you will know the answers to your child’s questions. That’s not your job. Your job is to be a parent, not an expert on the best way to get into Most Favorite University. Protect yourself from the insanity that swirls around every gathering of high school students and their parents. Practice responses to the intrusive questions of others. “No, Susie hasn’t decided where she’s applying yet, but we’re sure she will make good choices. What a pretty necklace. Is it new?”

Above all, be good to yourself. Know that your merit as a parent is not defined by the decal on the rear window of your car. Your child is the product of 17 years of your influence mixed with the influence of everyone else who has passed through his life. Trust that you have done your best. o

Joan H. Bress, director of College Resource Associates, is a Certified Educational Planner. She specializes in advising students and families on all aspects of the college application process. For more information please visit http://www.collegeresourceassociates.com/.

The way America goes to war is changing — and so are the educational benefits for its returning veterans

By Lester W. Paquin

The moral contract between this country and its defenders in uniform has always been based on a somewhat sacred, symbiotic relationship — men and women in the military offer their service and sacrifice to the nation in exchange for their government honoring those commitments by taking care of them and their families in return. This care comes in many forms, from our collective remembrance and respectful celebration of their service to more practical expressions of our gratitude — like medical care, housing and educational benefits.

While it can be successfully argued that this delicate and essential relationship is presently out of balance — witness the ongoing debate concerning the scope and quality of medical and mental health services for our returning veterans — there are indications that long-overdue improvements are on the way. Among these is an increasing awareness of the importance of providing educational benefits to our nation’s protectors as they come home and exchange battle gear for laptops.

Members of the generation that came home and re-established themselves after World War II and the Korean and Vietnam conflicts knew these government assistance programs collectively as the G.I. Bill. That federal assistance program, which provided physical, housing and educational benefits to veterans, is still in place today — with updates both established and proposed to help keep it current with our changing times.

When it comes to educational opportunities for returning Massachusetts servicemen and -women, there are a few highlights.

• Tuition waivers for all Massachusetts veterans to all state colleges and universities.

Bay State veterans may be eligible for any state-supported course in an undergraduate degree program or certificate program offered by a public college or university. To be eligible, a veteran must also be a legal resident of Massachusetts and s/he must not be in default of any federal student loans.

• National Guard tuition and fee waiver.

Effective July 1, 2006, members of the National Guard are eligible for a waiver of both fees and tuition at all state colleges and universities.

• Public service scholarship programs.

Scholarships will be awarded to children of prisoners of war or military or service persons missing in action in Southeast Asia whose service was between February 1, 1955 and the termination of the Vietnam campaign; and children of veterans whose service was credited to the Commonwealth and who were killed in action or otherwise died as a result of such service.

The above-captioned benefits are some among many that are already in place for Massachusetts veterans and their families. In a changing society, however, with the increasing demands military service, protracted deployments and a faltering economy place on its personnel, these benefits are simply not enough.

A new bill

While Congress and the Bush Administration have been slow to address these vital concerns, some light does show through. One such ray of hope is the federal Post-9/11 Veterans Educational Assistance Act, a bipartisan bill now before Congress designed to expand the educational benefits the country offers men and women who have served in the military since Sept. 11, 2001. Patterned after the original G.I. Bill, this proposed legislation picks up where its predecessor leaves off, bringing hard-earned and well-deserved educational opportunities into the 21st century.

In terms of background, the former G.I. Bill paid for veterans’ tuition, books, fees, a monthly stipend and other training costs. Approximately 7.8 million veterans took advantage of these benefits at that time, out of a wartime veteran population of 15 million. Over the last several decades Congress has passed a number of other measures that also gave educational benefits to veterans, though none have had the broad measure and scope of the original legislation — until now.

Major provisions of the proposed PVEAA include:

• Increased educational benefits for all members of the military who have served in active duty since Sept. 11, 2001, including activated reservists and the National Guard.

• The bill provides for educational benefits to be paid in amounts linked to the amount of active duty served in the military after Sept. 11, 2001. Generally, veterans would receive some amount of assistance proportional to their service for 36 months, which equals four academic years.

• Benefits provided under the bill would allow veterans pursuing an approved program of education to receive payments covering the established charges of their program, up to the cost of the most expensive in-state public school, plus a monthly stipend equivalent to housing costs in the area. Additional monies would also be available for tutorial assistance, as well as licensure and certification tests.

• The bill would create a new program in which the government would agree to match, dollar for dollar, any voluntary additional contributions to veterans from institutions whose tuition is more expensive than the maximum educational assistance provided under the PVEAA.

• Veterans would have up to 15 years (compared to 10 years under the current G.I. Bill) after they leave active duty to use their educational assistance entitlement.

Powerful arguments can be made in support of the PVEAA. Among them:

• Currently, veterans’ educational benefits are administered under the existing G.I. Bill — a program designed primarily for peacetime (not wartime) service. With many of our troops having served two, three or four tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, the current system gives these men and women a short window of time to take advantage of their educational benefits after serving their country.

Becker’s better idea

While the proposed provisions of the PVEAA are laudable, appropriate and horrendously overdue, they remain concepts pending enactment as the law of the land. Until that day comes, veterans are forced to rely on the antiquated provisions of the existing G.I. Bill and its amendments for much-needed educational, housing and medical assistance.

That is, unless you’re a student at Becker College in Worcester and Leicester.

Not content to wait until the PVEAA becomes law, officials at Becker have developed their own educational assistance program for returning veterans.

Many veterans are ending tours of duty to find their higher education choices are limited because they cannot pay rising tuitions with the current G.I. Bill’s $1,100 monthly pay-out. College-bound veterans are calling for increased services and funds and a renewal of the intent and spirit of the G.I. Bill.

In response to these needs, Becker College has adopted the Patriots College Access Program (PCAP), which will provide the following benefits to servicemen and -women who enroll at the institution.

“The sacrifices and dedication of our military veterans warrants our highest respect and utmost appreciation from all Americans. For Becker College, this is simply the right thing to do,” says Zirkle. “Our veterans should be free to choose the college experience that is right for them and not be limited to a choice based solely on what [G.I. Bill] benefits will cover. As the number of veterans enrolled at Becker grows, we will explore additional services that will enhance the experience and success of these individuals.”

Another element of PCAP that is expected to be extremely valuable to veterans is the opportunity to receive additional college credits for applicable military and life experience. Veterans are eligible for the “Portfolio” program, a system that evaluates professional and life experience for potential college credit. Previously, Portfolio was only available as a bridge for working adults enrolled in accelerated degree programs.

In commenting on the new program, U.S. Rep. James McGovern says “I’m so proud that Becker College is taking such a leadership role in providing educational opportunities to our returning veterans. I hope that the PCAP program will serve as a model for other colleges and universities — not just in Massachusetts, but around the country. The men and women serving in our armed forces deserve more than just our gratitude — they deserve every opportunity to achieve the American Dream.”

The strongest endorsement for PCAP will come from veterans like Becker nursing student Elisha Early. “It’s nice to see a private school, such as Becker College, take it upon themselves to offer assistance to veterans,” Early says. “We are not always able to transfer our military careers to the civilian sector and are often left with having to either prolong our education, or as in my situation, find a new career and pursue the education required. This is made difficult since most of us have families, financial obligations, and many other responsibilities by the time we’ve completed our military service and are facing life as a civilian.”

Becker student Gary Clark concurs. “As a veteran, I am pleased to see a program like this set up,” he says. “The Becker staff has been very helpful with any problems I have had, whether it be in admissions or financial aid, and this program just shows how Becker is committed to helping veterans and going that extra mile.”

To offer your support for the PVEAA bill now pending before Congress, contact your member of Congress or U.S. Senators. To find our more about Becker’s PCAP, contact the college’s Communications Director, Sandy Lashin-Curewitz, at 508-373-9529 or via www.becker.edu. o